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Photo: Helen Jane Hearn

It's time to admit how much I love to gossip. (You know I'm not the only one.) It's fun, it's easy, and as I am a naturally nosy person, endlessly fascinating. But as with drive-thru French fries, some habits simply are not good for you. In my quest to reduce gossiping, I've collected some tips to avoid both spreading and listening to gossip.
 
Chances are you know this, but gossip is social talk that judges someone when they're not there to defend themselves. It's usually personal, sensational, or far too intimate. Often, gossip is mean-spirited.

An easy test for me to decide whether or not something is gossip is by asking myself this question: "Is this something I want the subject of my story to hear?" If the answer is no, it's gossip.

Avoiding it is tough because, as humans, we're hard-wired to share information about each other to each other. Gossip helps us enforce social norms. We can set our community rules by sharing the personal stories of others and then passing judgment. Gossip provides a way for society to punish wrongdoers by semi-public shaming.

There is research to support the good kind of information sharing — yes there is a good kind. Research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, shows that most people share accurate gossip and that for the most part, they use it for the good of everyone. (Phew.)

However, information sharing isn't what I'm talking about here, I'm talking about mean-spirited gossip. And that's the most glaring reason I needed to cut down on gossip — it's unkind, it's rumor, it's innuendo and it's secret. Not only that, indulging in gossip implies that I'm not brave enough to talk to the person myself. Especially in an office setting, gossip reflects poorly on me. On top of that, I never feel good about it afterwards — it's something I always regret.

Since I live in a small wine country town, we socialize at lots of wine and food events. In this kind of atmosphere, it's a real challenge to avoid talking about each other. Wine-fueled and small-town interests can converge to create an atmosphere for judgment. I stop myself from gossiping by using the following methods:

1. Share a Story About Myself

The easiest way to thwart myself from talking about someone else is by talking about myself. When I feel the urge to share someone's personal information, I reveal something personal about myself. Granted, this can go too far and I risk becoming a bore, but as a one-off tactic, it works wonders.

2. Share Only Good News

Share news about other people that they'd be proud to overhear. Talking about people in a positive way is another way to thwart mean-spirited gossip and change bad habits.

3. Limit Alcohol Consumption

Alcohol makes me both more likely to be interested in someone else's gossip and more likely to spread gossip. The less alcohol I drink, the less I'm tempted.

4. Describe Similarities

Since hearing gossip is almost as bad as spreading it, I've also developed some strategies to stop the other person from gossiping to me. When someone is sharing a third party's bad qualities, I've found that finding the similarities between me and the person that's being discussed is a method for heading off mean-spirited gossip. The gossiper doesn't want to speak badly about me, so they're less likely to continue.

5. Ask Questions

By actually focusing on the person I'm speaking to (how novel!), I can hit two goals, one of becoming a better conversationalist as well as avoiding gossip.

6. Admit My Weakness

This is a tricky one, I don't want to come off as "holier than thou," so I choose my subject and timing carefully. Admitting that "I am trying to limit my gossiping, do you think we could talk about [insert appropriate topic here]?" can be freeing — if I'm admitting it to a friend who's supportive.

7. Excuse Myself From the Room

It may be the sneakiest way out of gossip, but a well-timed trip to the restroom or phone call outside might be your best bet. By excusing yourself, you don't have to expose yourself.

Since cutting down on gossip, the biggest benefit has been less fear in social situations. I'm less afraid someone will know what I've said about them and more likely to feel a benevolent, "live and let live" attitude.

One final reason to avoid gossiping, it just might make you live longer. Theresa Hsu Chih, a 113 year old Singaporean women credits avoiding gossip and keeping a peaceful mind as her secret to longevity.

Living longer and feeling better, I'll take it.